Exercise 3.4

Skills and Growth Points

Purpose

This is the final exercise in the series. By the title this one may seem like an exercise more befitting a corporate retreat than here; however, we will do the exercise and look at our results from a different perspective that in such a setting. The purpose here is to list our as our personal strengths and weakness without consideration for boundaries and then to contemplate our responses with no set outcome. This is because we do not have to share it with anyone hence no topics are taboo, and these are awareness developing and not goal driven exercises.

Duration

30 to 40 minutes (create list 10 min. and 20 to 30 minutes to consider the list)

Prerequisites

Exercises:

Ex. 3.3: What I Believe Others See As My +'ve and -'ve Traits

Background

In this exercise, we will complete our initial journey of self-examination. This particular exercise is the culmination of what have done in the other three, in part because they came before this one, they provide a frame of reference for how we approach this one and also because we are continuing to develop our self-awareness and awareness skills. You will find yourself naturally bringing in elements from the other three exercises.

You will notice from the title we are not talking about strengths and weakness per say, we are talking about our skills and growth points. I chose these words to avoid using ones that carry too many preconceived notions about what traits are strengths and weakness, and because they are polarizing terms, terms in opposition, which can foster internal conflict and are counterproductive. What we want to be is change our perception and thoughts around this concept by seeing them both as plus’s. That is seeing both a skill (gift) and a growth point or opportunities as positives has the effect of reducing the tendency to compound a negative self-image.

When you are doing the exercise, as before, remember the following:

This is not a test.
Be as relaxed as you can to start and throughout the exercise.
Be as open and objective as you can.
Try to write the first things that come to mind.
Try to notice when you hesitate to write the first thing that comes to mind for any reason (it is wrong, silly, not me at all etc.).
Wordiness is not a shortcoming.
Try not to get sidetracked.
Try to limit your answers to one page, though if it takes more so be it.

Method

1. Find a place to do the work, one where you will feel comfortable and relaxed

2. Divide a blank page into two columns. The headings of the columns are “My Skills” and “My Growth Points”

3. Layout your page as in the following example:

4. Relax as best as you can before you start. This way you will be more objective and will reduce the tendency to note points that correspond to moods or to have our moods affect our points. While this can be useful to analyze a particular feeling, at this stage we want to get as broad a view of ourselves as possible. Later exercises will cover topics that will help you get to an objective and neutral space, something very useful when working on particular issues. In the mean time, simply try to be as spontaneous and honest as you can when you are writing down your points under each column.

5. Pick a column to start in, read the title and then write down the first thoughts that come to mind. Try not to scribble out points you do not like, these are some the answers to which you want to pay the closest attention. If you can, note what you felt about that particular point such as it was not the right word, it is was not accurate, you do not think it is right, it made you uncomfortable and so on. You do not need to stick to one column; it is okay to switch between them. Refer to the list of “Skills or Competencies” at the end of this section. It will help you select skills more accurately. Bear in mind that it is a guide, not an exhaustive list and remember people often have different interpretations of the same word. Feel free to use your own if you feel they work for you.

6. The “My Skills” column:

The objective is to explore our view of what we are good at, that is our strengths, from the perspective of trying to identify the skills that enable them. As an example, let say we feel one of our strength is that we I always meet deadlines. That is a fine, but we want to identify the skills that enable us to do this such as we are dedicated, we are knowledgeable, we care about what we do, we take responsibility and so on. Therefore, when you write down your skills consider and note the qualities that enable your strengths rather than the strengths themselves. This is of course more challenging, that too is part of the exercise. An example should help you somewhat.

In terms of skills, we seek to list what we are good at without considering how we feel about it or its use. We are not really looking to judge the skills in any way, only to note them. Let us consider the personality trait of being very judgmental, and say one is very skilled at it (from their perspective). Consider the criticism or control aspects of the act of judgment for the growth point list; however, there very well may be valuable and needed skills involved in the process of judging such as discernment, the ability to analyze or even to accept responsibility. We will not stop judging by losing the skills we use to judge, we do this by working on the programming that lies behind our desire to judge. Nor are we going to grow past judgment by judging ourselves. We will require our skills to grow, of awareness of them allows us to use them more frequently and develop them further.

7. The “My Growth Points” column:

The objective here is to get a list going of the areas where we feel we could grow. I call these areas of opportunity rather than areas of weakness as they may even be in areas where we excel but would like to improve. There are benefits to seeing growth points as opportunities rather than weaknesses. By this I mean that it is helpful to consider how much we can do and/or have done rather than focus on what we didn't do or failed at. Not doing this diminishes the efforts we have made to grow or learn or do things better. This tends to lead us to judging ourselves as having failed and gives us even more work to do.

As you go through this exercise you may also find yourself not feeling a need to or wanting to write down some points. This too is natural and while it is beneficial to push yourself to do so, do not get down on yourself if you do not (unless your list is empty). We all have many areas to grow in and we cannot work on all of them at once, which can be a recipe for disaster.

When doing your list try to avoid using vague statements that do not contain an aspect or skill of the self to work on. Points such as “try harder” or “be nicer” infer that we need to do this in all acts and in all situations. This is not the kind of directive we want to give ourselves as there are likely many situations where being nicer or trying harder could be detrimental to others or us. Better statements would be those such as “develop my intent and desire”, “develop my sense of dedication”, “work on my anger or control issues” or “develop my empathy or compassion”.

As you complete this exercise, remember that we get out of these exercises what we put into them. In this exercise, you are starting to dig beneath the surface, which is what most people see, to what lies beneath the veneer and within our conscious mind. We have within our conscious awareness thoughts about things and in turn, we have thoughts about those thoughts and so on. Our skills are associated with our thoughts about thoughts as these are what guide our mind in its choices.

We do not need to have high-level thoughts to choose fight or flight when there is danger, we do need them to prepare for or know in advance about the potential for danger. What enables us to do this are skills such as being analytical, attentive, discerning or observant. Nor do we need high-level thoughts to distinguish skin colour, thought it is particular higher-level thoughts around how we interpret skin colour that enable prejudice. In this case, our growth points may be to develop our higher-level awareness in the areas of right-thinking, being accepting, respectful, empathic or less critical.

What you write down is for your knowledge and understanding alone. While we want to be as objective as possible, do not be overly concerned about it as it is very hard not to be subjective to a certain extent. We may not be accurate in assessing our skills or the first time, that too is not as important as trying to do so. We have all the skills, though obviously to varying degrees. Doing the exercises helps to build and empower them regardless of how successful one might feel they are. Of course, one must not be too complacent; however, patience is important as is not judging ourselves.

Your page should have points such as below:

Similar to the other exercises, the true value of this exercise is in the doing of it and not as much in what you wrote down. This should be more apparent to you now that you have done the full set. We have looked at our thoughts around how we see ourselves and those we create around how we believe others see us. In order to work with what we learned about ourselves in the exercises we need examine our higher-level thoughts, hence this last exercise. We need to be focusing our efforts at the right level to take advantage of the true power of our awareness. The intent of this exercise is to help in this area.

By turning our attention to the types of thoughts that are fundamental to our conscious mental processes, we begin to enable or strengthen them. Our thoughts govern our acts and our skills affect the kinds of thoughts we manifest and empower. Do not be concerned if you found this exercise challenging, the approach is not likely one you have experienced before. There are no wrong answers; we have planted seeds by just doing the exercise.

Follow-up

After the exercise read what you wrote down one column and one line at a time, it does not matter which column you choose. As you read, do the following:

Do not change what you wrote after the fact.
Consider what you wrote.
Monitor your feelings and thoughts as you read it.
Note your reaction to it separately so they are not mistaken for your original responses.
Ask yourself if the point is accurate and pay attention to how you feel as you ask.
After reading through all the items in both columns, the next step is to consider our responses as a whole.

Look to see if you avoided, focused on or glossed over any areas

If you have already tried the Honesty Table, apply what you learned there to what you noted here.
In cases where you were not accurate, remember that it is just as important to acknowledge that your answer was not accurate as it is to know what the “correct” answer should have been.
Look at your answers and ask yourself, “How can I take advantage of my new awareness of core skills?

When you do your review of this exercise, as you did with the previous ones, give extra consider to any points you edited, or questioned. Try to understand why you did so, or at least how you justified the point. We have now explored our views of ourselves in several ways, and you should consider the bulk of your work when you review what you wrote for this exercise. Do not forget to be objective in your review either.

Monitor your thoughts and feelings when you review the points to notice what they are, and make note of them separately. Consider each one and try to take away something from each, be it a small pat on the back for being accurate or making note of an opportunity for further examination. Do keep your thoughts positive for if you could be different you would be. There is no shame in being who we are complete with our good and not so good points.

In our review of this exercise, we should also consider the previous three in the set. Over this set of exercises we have looked at how we perceive our positive and negative traits, how we believe others see them to this one where we looked at our skills. If you look back on your notes for the previous exercises, you will see certain themes repeat themselves though likely in slightly different forms.

In the first exercise, you have noted particular traits you have, ones reflected in how you believe others perceive you and how you perceive yourself. Combined they may seem like a huge challenge, one you noticed it in each of first three exercises. Certainly, it may seem like one huge tangle of challenges, until you looked at your skills and growth points. In doing so, you may notice that many of them share common core skills. Therefore working on these will help you with in resolving all of the associated challenges.

In the completed sample list above, you will notice right thinking in the list of growth points. Say the challenge is that the person comes up with the wrong conclusions perhaps because of the additional challenge of being judgmental. This may seem very challenging, but perhaps less so if you consider what is required for right thinking, that being skills such as logical, empathic, compassionate and observant. The list of gifts contains all but the skill of being observant, and by observant I mean observing without judging what you see or perceive. So, one can work on their challenge of being judgmental by working on their powers of observation, that is observing without conditions, without being superficial or fallacious.

When we dig deeper into our skills and our growth points will arm ourselves with the knowledge we need to enhance the former and reduce the later. We do so without having to fight ourselves over each issue. Raising our skill levels at various things affects all thought that has the skill as a component.

Of course, this is just an example of what we can do when we start to get to know ourselves. Our awareness of what skills we have and of those we can develop, help us, not with troubleshooting our rational mind, it helps us debug the program. The upcoming exercises will provide you with additional assistance in terms of meditation, ground and centering to help you develop your skills set so you can attain higher degrees of objectivity. This in turn you can use to isolate issues and the imbalance that gave rise to them and develop the skills you need to resolve them.

The saying, “no pain no gain” is not true unless you believe it. By developing our skills, we find that we find and resolve problems far quicker than and without as much effort as we expected. In this light, I would suggest you do this set periodically so that you can see you progress and because you will have grown in the interim, you will find new insights each time.

==> Return to Ex. 3.3: What I Believe Others See As My +'ve and -'ve Traits

Last updated October 22, 2019