Knowing Yourself

“When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty."

From The Gospel of Thomas: The Nag Hammadi Library

The above quote of Jesus from the Gospel of Thomas, though not often referred to, speaks to the importance of knowing ourselves. Its importance is in relation to one’s spiritual development, or perhaps more aptly, how to approach living. There have been numerous other references to the idea that “Know Thyself” down through the ages. This phrase has been inscribed on the oracle-shrine to Apollo, at Delphi, stated in Luke 11:9 and in Matthew 7:7, and is on the box that contains the Tarot of the Builders of the Adytum as a clear reminder to those that seek. It is the key element in personal growth. While I cannot say exactly what the above statement means, the knowing that is referred to is not simply that of awareness of what one likes, dislikes, what one cares about and so forth. That would be like saying I know someone based on his or her adornments. The idea of knowing oneself is often mistaken as knowing about oneself. There is a significant difference between the two levels of awareness.

Getting to know ourselves is a common element in any personal or spiritual growth path or program, and for a good reason. When we have made the decision that we want to improve ourselves, we are admitting that where we are is not where we would like to be or that we want to change our path or that we cannot get to where we would like to be from where we are now. By extension, we also admit that we do not likely know why we are where we are now. Doing this requires us to understand a great deal more about ourselves than we do.

Certainly, if one had a traumatic experience they could point to how it affected them and how it may have steered their lives; however, this does not answer the question of why it affected us the way it did. Sure, we may have some vague notions about it, but knowing ourselves is not about vague notions. It is about true understanding. If we seek to change who we are, that is to change our personality, we must get to know who we are now. This is the reason why this material stresses the importance of honesty and personal responsibility.

Ask yourself why you like some things and not others, why you believe certain ideas and not others. I could say that I believe something because it is what I learned from my parent, through schooling or from my experiences. Yes, it is important to be aware of the influences behind our beliefs; it does not answer the question of why we chose to accept them.

Developing a deeper awareness of oneself will not happen overnight. It takes time to peel away the layers we build up through years of experiences and to see through the shroud of ignorance they bring. We saw this when we looked at the complexities of needs programming. We also saw we can discover our needs if we choose, through examination of our emotional responses to experiences. Another way is to expose our thoughts to deeper scrutiny.

Taking a look at ourselves

We have spoken about the benefit of determining our coordinates, where we are mentally, emotionally and so forth as best we can. This helps us to focus on the important issues, and reduces the likelihood of us going off in the wrong direction. Examining our needs programming is part of this process. We know that the better we understand our needs the easier they are to deal with and that we can identify them by the lower emotional responses they trigger in us.

We can also explore our needs through the types of thoughts we have. To do so we will use a simple method, one that has similarities to the Honesty Table exercise for exploring personal honesty. The method or tool is nothing new, and its sole purpose is to expose our thoughts about ourselves. The upcoming exercises will trigger thoughts that we can use to chase down some of the poor programming that rules our conscious mind, as working on our Honesty Table did.

The tool we will use is a list, and all that is required is a pen, paper (or equivalent) and some time. We will be creating a few lists by turning our attention to how we view of ourselves. Therefore, before you read any further I want you to do some short exercises.

Assuming you have completed at least the first three exercises, I will continue...

The purpose of the exercises you just completed is to help you become more consciously aware of your thoughts, in this case we are focusing on those about us. Now that you have completed the exercises, we can discuss them in more detail.

I will not provide a comprehensive guide on how to analyze the lists; it would be impossible to do so as there are virtually infinite variations possible. Instead, we will concern ourselves with how the exercises can help us learn about ourselves.

Your answers are neither right nor wrong; they are simply a declaration of what you think at the time you created your lists. Do not judge them as good or bad, doing so inhibits your honesty. What is important is that we try to express what we think of ourselves as honestly as we can at the time so that we might learn about ourselves from the answers.

The exercises are an exploration of our personal perceptions, those of what we think and invariably what we feel about what we think. These exercises help us:

Develop the courage and willingness to examine ourselves honesty
Continue to develop our honesty and sense of personal responsibility
Notice how we feel about how we describe ourselves
Recognize internal conflict in our thoughts about ourselves
Gain a better understanding of what we actually think and believe
Notice and understand more about the influence of others on our perception of ourselves
See flaws in how we perceive and interpret experiences

In looking at the above list, points 1 through 3 should be self-evident, if you went through the exercises. Point 4 is an extension of point 3, where we noticed a negative or lower emotion, with the extension being that our lower emotional response indicates an issue within us. We see the deeper value of the exercises in Points 5, 6 and 7. The value in the last points will be found when we invest the time in meditation and contemplation of what we thought and felt when we did the exercises. This is especially true of Point 6, as others have a significant influence over us even if we are not ready to admit it.

We continue the process of understanding and reprogramming our rational minds through thoughtful and honest self-examination. The old saying “where there is smoke there is fire” applies here. You likely noticed, unless you have a high degree of honesty and awareness of self, that you often found yourself questioning your own thoughts and hence answers or you wondered what others think about you or your answers. This is the reason behind the suggestion that you note your thoughts about your answers whenever you found yourself reacting as you wrote them. Reactionary thoughts are common at first, and are indicative of the flaws in our poorly trained minds. Rather than concern ourselves with self-judgment over perceived flaws, we turn our attention to recognizing that the emotion or emotions triggered by a point is smoke and indicative of an issue. We can then explore our reaction to find the fire or the source of the issue.

Doing these exercises helps us shine a light into areas our rational minds tend to block. The rational mind, while it does find ways to avoid sensitive areas, cannot keep them completely blocked. The rational mind has to act to block them, and in doing so, it leaves our reactions as a trail to find them. We follow the trail by meditation and contemplation on our answers and our reactions.

Notice the influence of others in how you view yourself as this often even more important than how you view yourself. We do this regardless of the fact that even if someone has stated their impression of us all we know is what they have said or shown us. This is not always the same as what they truly think. What it represents is what we feel or believe they said after our rational mind interprets their words. Consider this idea carefully. What affect do our beliefs and thoughts regarding what others may think or feel about us have on us? We will come back to this a little later.

We are concerned with growth, so most of the discussion is on how to resolve issues. However, it is very important that we take note of positive aspects of ourselves as development of these qualities benefits us the most. The evolution of consciousness is not random; it is doing so in a particular way. We work with the flow when we develop and express empathy, compassion, devotion, sympathy and the like, and we are resisting the flow when we continue to express the lower emotions such as malice, jealousy, anger and deceit. In a sense, we can name the two ends of the scale as “me and we”. We need to be aware that there are consequences to resisting the flow and that one cannot predict how they will manifest in their life.

Recognize and try to use your strengths and express your positive attributes; they will support you as you work through issues. We should acknowledge them; give ourselves credit for having them. It is okay to pat ourselves on the back, a little, for our positive or spiritual strengths. We want to make sure we empower them, be thankful of or joyous about them though do so without taking on false pride.

You can also create lists to explore one area such how you show or do not show compassion towards others or list what we are good at and not good at. Being more aware of these aspects of ourselves leads to excellent personal insights.

Our self-view affects us. To illustrate, consider how someone who is good at math and science can be steered to apply their knowledge through research or engineering even though they may feel there a different path would be more to their liking. Alternatively, we may be well suited even gifted in a particular area, one we would excel in; however, early experiences, such as a poor teacher or bad choices may have steered us away from it. Both of these are examples a choice being made, though it may not have been done consciously. Our choices steer us onto a particular path.

There are reasons for our choices, the discovery of which is important for our growth. There may be periods when we feel that we have been wasting our time in one area because of a belief that “we were meant to do something else”. This notion is a mistake. Life unfolds as it is shall. We base our choices on what we knew at the time. The phrase “If you should have and you could have, you would have.”, suggests that we fail because we do not try new things or step outside our comfort zone. This is not the case. If you were supposed to do something different, you would have.

Our experiences teach us, and they led us along the path we have taken. I believe there are reasons for everything, though this is not self-evident. Consider your life path to this point. What lessons you have learned? What has your life taught you about you?

In a sense, our place of birth and the nature of our incarnate awareness set our life path(s). The lessons we have learned, and those we are working on are important lessons for us. The relevant question is “What is right for me now?” Though this is not an easily answered question, we can find an answer through soul-searching. Start by looking at your life, do you see it being moved in another direction? Are there some things you should change about yourself? We should not guess at the answers. We should turn our attention to ourselves and examine the life we manifest. Is it time for a change? Search yourself; look inside to try to decide what your life is telling you. Use your developing awareness to help you choose your tomorrow.

The more you take control of your own life the easier it gets to make decisions on what is truly important to you. This is not necessarily what others tell you is important or even what you have always felt was important. The future is not a fixed “thing”, we reinvent the future every moment. So, do not let personal history be the sole force in determining the future, take active ownership over your life. See the now as the starting point of your life, for this is actually the case. Your life begins now regardless of where it has been already. Learn to get to know yourself better for your future is in your own hands. The responsibility may seem huge, but who else can make these choices for you? Letting or allowing others to do this for you can lead to a great deal of disappointment and unhappiness in your life. Remember that the future is not etched in stone and if you do not try, you cannot succeed.

Consider your self-image. Do you feel it holds you down? Does it prevent you from pursuing or attaining your goals whatever they may be? The exercises you did are part of a self-assessment process. It helps us to keep from fighting so much with ourselves. This is exactly what our image of ourselves can be doing to us. We can work very hard towards our goal to make certain wants or dreams come true and have our own minds sabotage this effort.

An accurate self-assessment can alert us to areas where we may be hindering or working against our own progress. The process of identification requires our honesty and a full measure of our intent and desire to support it. It takes courage to be honest with ourselves when what we may see may not be something we want to. It takes time to overcome our fears; still, we can do it.

There are many who have heard criticisms for a long time. They may not consciously think they believe the criticisms; nonetheless, they are affected. If you are not succeeding while expending great effort towards a goal, the barriers you face are ones you created. Our personal lists can help us by giving us extra insights into our inner selves and these barriers.

The lists you have for yourself may not directly tell you where you are critical of yourself. You must read between the lines to do this, add other pieces of information you have come across during your work (again hinting at the importance of keeping some kind of diary as you grow). For instance, we talked about the importance of liking ourselves as we are now. Are you one of those people who have a hard time patting yourself on the back or in looking in the mirror at yourself and saying “I Love You!” to yourself? These are both signs that you are too hard on yourself. Try to remember that we can push ourselves so hard that we can be holding ourselves back instead.

Our tendencies to be overly self critical are inherited traits. Generally, they come from one of three sources; the work of past life we may be carrying on in this incarnation, childhood programming and the experiences that follow. Nowhere in this list is “the higher self”. This is not an accident. Fears do not have their source in our higher self. The good news is most of the reasons as to why we have become self critical are from the current life, hence they are accessible.

Every family has its own “personality”, near individuality, that affects us. They can include one or more of the following traits:

warm
forgiving
strict
happy
open
angry
jealous
peaceful
fragmented
hurtful
active
safe
demanding

You may notice an absence of cultural, religious or other traits in the list. Family traits we may have taken on find the basis in thought forms created by our parents and their parents and so on. These influences can be very strong, as they are part of our family environment. They affect how we integrate experiences and hence our sense of self. We can learn a great deal about ourselves by considering or meditating on how our family environment has influenced us.

We can go deeper and examine the types of beliefs and thought constructs that are also part of the family personality. We inherit these regardless of whether we take them on, resist them or simply pass them by. Issues with core beliefs and thought constructs are hard to resolve as they become associated with many aspects of us. We approach this in the same way as we do with resolving needs programming, as well as what we are examining here.

Earlier we asked another question: what affect do our beliefs and thoughts regarding what others may think or feel about us have on us? The simple answer is they have significant effect. Examining them is part of the process of determining where we are right now, that is our current place. Typically the effect of others opinion of us varies proportionately with their closeness to us. The closer someone is to us by family or by their control over our lives (such as coworkers, peers, and our bosses) the more they affect us. We looked at this area in the topic on honesty.

Without trying to generalize too much, it is fair to say that if you do any of the following then your actions may have been affected by the others opinions or thoughts of others:

Told a lie because you do not want others to find something out
Joined others in laughed at jokes that are negative about others.
Go out with your friends only because they want you to.
Do something you knew you should not do when prodded our encouraged
You have misrepresenting yourself to avoid conflict.
Tell someone you like him or her when you do not.
Omit things to keep from being “found out”.
Wear or buy particular types of things because of what others will think of you
Seek approval from others by making up events that no one can disprove
Joined in on or gone along with gossiping or name calling in order to fit in.
Pretend not to notice others and then pay attention to what they are doing.

The above, behaviors that are motivated by our thoughts of how we are perceived, are of are examples of needs. None of these acts makes one a bad person; they prove that we are human. They illustrate that the opinion of others is an important influence on us even when the result is not necessarily healthy or positive for us. We should make decisions ourselves and not simply yield to others needs. By influence, I do not mean without being cognizant of others or our responsibilities and interests in their regard. We should do what we really want to do without having to worry about people’s opinions or whether they will withhold something from us. When we do so, we abdicate our power to them.

We can look at the types of thoughts we have and learn from them. We can do this by exploring our thoughts around how others perceive us, and what these thoughts teach us. They can help us understand what we have deemed important and why. What can we learn from looking at these thoughts?

They tell us about what we think we are projecting out – hence what concerns us
What we actually think of others – do we trust, do we think they are good people
The thoughts of concern we have point to our “buttons” – if we care what someone thinks about an aspect of us then we have issues with that aspect of us

Ponder on why, on a particular aspect of ourselves such as our honesty, likability, agreement on some topic, appearance and so forth, the view others have of us is important. What is it we need from these relationships? We know that needs hold us back, and that they will continue to afflict us until we correct the programming that allows them to manifest in our lives. By exploring our thoughts and our emotions, we learn about our needs. Exposing them is the first step to resolving them. One then examines their needs, see their impact on our lives, and try to determine how they came to be part of your programming.

It is not easy to stand up against your history. The growth points we have being there likely for as long as we can remember. Changing this starts with recognizing that you are doing it. We may say, “I don’t do that”, or “I’m not that kind of person”. Are we being honest? If not we are living with the consequences of our choice. In the end we are who we are, what we are and if we want to grow, we must learn to understand the influences on us.

Assessing how you think others see you

We know from experience that others do not always tell us what they really feel about us. They may be doing so for the same reasons we do. They may be doing it so that we do not think badly of them, so that their feelings are not hurt, they do not care and so forth. At the same time, we create our own beliefs about how others feel about us. We may know, for instance, that someone is polite to us at work yet we may believe that same someone does not like us. The thoughts of other people, real or perceived, certainly can affect us if we allow it. What is important is developing our sense of self beyond how others may choose to define us. To arrive at this we need to consider the dynamics around how we think others feel about us and how we act as a result.

Considering how others think of us is, in itself, not a hindrance, it becomes one when we base our opinions of self or our choices on it. You might be inclined to disagree by thinking that others help us with our moral compass or that we can steer a better course by considering how other may feel about our actions and thoughts. Both statements are true in a sense. Others can show us that our thoughts or actions do not match theirs; it does not mean that they are right and we should change as a result. We should consider why we think differently, perceive the contrast in ideas, think about it objectively and examine our reasons for our thoughts or beliefs. Do we consider that how others may view us is not necessarily accurate? The fact is our accuracy on this is far lower than people seem to believe.

Yes, what we think people feel about us ends up being more important to us than what they are actually thinking or feeling. The reason this is so is that the greatest power to affect us is ourselves. We react to our own reactions, thereby making choices based on what we think others believe or will do, not on what is actually true for them, and our learned tendencies. We do this even though we do not know what they are actually thinking. We tend to assume that what they show us by their actions is an accurate reflection of what they are thinking, even though in all likelihood they too have many programming issues in their own minds. I am sure you have encountered this a few times, where you thought something and found out later it was not true.

When we learn more about how we think others think and feel about us we learn a great deal about ourselves. We even find that we felt others thought certain things about us simply because that is how we believe others have thought of us before. This is a pre-judgment on our parts, and a common problem. This is similar to having a distrust of long haired people, people of other races, or our judging certain people to be one way because that is how people who we see as similar to them have acted before. Do not under estimate the power of these thoughts over your rational mind programming and your life. Therefore, we use our thoughts about this area to help us determine our current coordinates, which in turn helps us see where we need to grow.

Do not panic or worry overly much about others, they can have no affect on your life other than what you give them. If they are in a position to affect you in a negative way look at how they have come to be in a position of power over your life in the first place. The need for the approval of others is restrictive. We have only two real needs in life; food and shelter. When we allow our needs programming to grow beyond these two they can and do begin to control us.

We start our work on resolving self-image issues by observing how our rational mind controls them. We have spoken about the disparity between how others really see us, and how we think they see us. What we have not spoken about is why we need and want people to see us a certain way. Why is it that we find ourselves needing to be someone we are not?

We can be doing this for many reasons. Prominent amongst the reasons for doing this is we are not what we would like to be, yet we want others to believe we are because we must deal with it should they find out otherwise. Often the potential embarrassment, even the humiliation we might feel should when our secrets get out is so great we try to avoid it at all costs. Should people find out they may feel everything about us is a lie leading to distrust or worse. If you contemplate this, you will realize that much of what we believe and think is likely an illusion created by our own minds.

Basing our opinions of ourselves on falsehoods and wanting others to do the same is a common problem. I have often thought that if everyone gave up their lies at the same time we would all maintain our relative positions with others. The dilemma people feel they face is that shedding our lies places no burden or impetus on others to do the same. In fact, a vast majority of people will use it to as a way to feel “superior” to you if even only in their own minds. Do not let this stop you. If you are doing something inappropriate or not in your best interests, that is one thing; however, once they shift to judging you their opinions have no value.

Doing personal growth means to begin to take responsibility for ourselves. If I am telling the truth that is all that matters to me, that others are dishonest is their concern not mine. This holds true even if their lies cause us problems. Even if everyone else is lying, we must hold onto our own truth. The price of buying in to the issues of others is too great to continue.

The important point for us is that we should be looking at why we want others to see us differently. This generally tends to be a learned trait. Our self-image is not necessarily an accurate reflection of us. As a result, we use lies and similar mechanisms to avoid conflict, potential dangers, and embarrassment and so on. The result is an illusionary boost to our self-centric ego.

That we have created these issues ourselves provides little consolation when faced with them. If we are not who we would like to be we should set about finding out how we would like to be. Only then should we concern ourselves with modifying our view of ourselves. This can be difficult if we have being living with untruths for many years; but in the process of personal growth there is no substitute for the truth. We all must decide for ourselves not just how to do this, we need to decide whether to do it at all. Life can and often does force our lies into the open, if it does not now it is likely to eventually, and we all know that paying later means added interest on the debt.

Trying to assess how they really see you (is it difficult... is it necessary?)

At some point in time, everyone thinks about how others view or think him or her. It is not necessary that we know what other people think of us, what is important is that we know how we think they perceive us. We can learn to be sensitive to others in such a way that we get a better idea of where they are coming from or of what they are thinking and feeling. However, even if we KNOW what they are feeling is not a guarantee that they are conscious of it. We can see this in ourselves.

We tend to not be mindful of what we are thinking and feeling in the moment. We also do not always act as we feel we should; we can violate our own truths because of what we feel in the moment. Hence, what others are like on the inside, and how they express it may not be the same. They will interpret what they see in their own unique way making any “real” assessment of what they think problematic and not a good use of our time or effort.

What has worked for me is doing what I am doing regardless of how others may see, or how they interpret they see. When it is important that I know how someone sees me I will ask. If this is not appropriate or I do not feel comfortable asking them I try to discard my concern over their perspective of me or my actions. If they are lying to themselves and or me, I cannot change that. All that I can change is my dependence on their viewpoint. To discard one’s concern over how other people see you is of utmost importance. Notice I stated discard the concern rather than ignore it completely. People who have held issues or secrets for years then released them feel much better afterwards, often wishing they had let them go years earlier.

We pay a price for lying to ourselves, and to others. The price can be extremely high, and can mean wasted opportunity. What good is living if you are not doing so as you would like to? Learn about and become more accepting of your fears, your strengths and your weakness. Only by learning to KNOW THYSELF can you be who you really are or be free and happy.

Determining your current reality

The first step in the personal growth process is self-definition. Defining our current reality is fundamental to the process because it gives us a starting point. There is not an exercise in looking back into the past, or thinking about where we would rather be at this stage of our lives. The past is gone, there is no way to relive it or do it over again, and any imagined future does not yet exist. Our future must come out of where we are right now. The phase “all that was or ever will be is here right now” states it quite succinctly. That means that the past, and all the hurts and issues we have not resolved are with us now. Old hurts are not lost or buried in our past; they are part of us now and affect us in the present. It also means our potential is also with us right now, not yesterday or tomorrow.

Taking stock of ourselves requires a great deal of honesty as itis an essential part of personal growth. There is no way to grow if we are not willing to admit our weakness, to search for ones we may not be aware of or willing to accept. Equally important is that we learn to know our strengths and then develop them. When we know our strengths, we can use them as our foundation even if those connected to some of our less admirable qualities. We need a position of strength from which we can begin the tasks that are before us. For many just the idea of self-investigation can be frightening. People tend to be afraid to learn their personal truths and have built up mechanisms to block or avoid learning of them. It is not that they are simply unaware of the tremendous positive influence it could have on them, they are also unaware of how their current view holds them back.

To find our strengths and weakness we start by listing what we feel they are, examining them and over time making adjustments to list as our honesty improves. Do not assume that you already know your strengths and weaknesses. In the first lists we make there is the tendency to assume what they are, to be less than truthful or to rely on vague generalities. Other common occurrences in the first lists are to use precise definitions in the list of our weakness, generalities for our strengths or to place items we do well or would like to be good at in the list of strengths even when we have not developed this attribute.

We all have strengths and weaknesses, even if we do not know what they are. By finding out what they really are, we can use our true strengths to assist us and work on our weaknesses. While we may not be able to overcome all our weaknesses, knowing them helps one avoid potential issues. Do remember that we are not islands; hence, we should be open to what others can provide, to the help they give us.

The list of our strengths and weakness should contain traits we have firsthand knowledge of them and not include what we believe others think of us. We can listen to and consider them, though in the end what we think is what matters. Even if we are telepathic, the way others think of us is not our concern. The reason is we personalize all input regardless of the source, that is to say we take everything from our own context. We may sense others thoughts; however, we typically interpret them through our awareness in a subjective fashion, unless we have trained ourselves to do otherwise. In addition, we do not all attach the same meanings to the same words or feelings.

To illustrate how we may generalize some terms let us take for example a way of stating a strength as -“I try to be nice to people” and a weakness as -”I tend to exaggerate”. At first glance these may to be relatively similar types of statements; however, the first is very general, the latter more specific. In describing our strength we did not break it down into the ways we try to be nice to people, yet we were specific about our negative trait. This is an example of our tendency to lump our good qualities or strengths together while we break down our weaknesses into specifics.

Why is this important? Well, simply put we tend to be over critical of ourselves. This adds to our emotional and mental baggage, something we may notice when considering the lengths of the two lists. The weakness column usually (in the first attempt) tends to be longer than the strengths. This likely is not an adequate representation. We are used to seeing ourselves in a critical manner (unless your well balanced already or living in the clouds) with a tendency towards feelings of insecurity and self doubt. We also tend to explore our perceived faults in great detail and use generalities about our positive traits. Also be mindful that we generally try to hide our flaws, this also means we are aware of them at some level though not necessarily at the conscious level. Watch for this in your lists as you write them.